Things just keep getting harder and I'm becoming a lot more irritated with minor things that certain people are doing. I feel incredibly anti-social even while I'm immersing myself with a slew of people. This isn't living, it's surviving; getting by day by day. I'm normally fine during the days and then I distract myself at night but lately I haven't been able to distract myself, I find myself being lost in my emotions so much that it's just ruining my life. I did a total low blow today to a good friend (who might have deserved it) but I feel like shit for saying what I did. I haven't felt so painstakingly emotional in ages because I've been neglecting myself for so long that I overflowed from the rim again, crying until my teeth hurt...I mean is that even possible? I'm probably just going to end up sleeping this off and carry on, I don't know how things are going to turn out and I don't want to think about it really, so I'll take it as it comes.

My resolve is ever decreasing and I need to start pulling my weight up again, badly. So I am now inclined to go to bed earlier and work harder. It's been really strange these past few months of school, they seem to have just slipped through my fingers when it wasn't so long ago when I was making a pledge of success and diligence. Those are all lost now, an idea, a wish, with just a whisper it could slip away forever, just like Rome. There is no light. I am excited about Christmas however, as mentioned in my previous entry.

A lot of people have been talking about the boy lately and it makes me wonder if I'm the only one who isn't infatuated with him. Though in reality I guess I should be, at least more than they are. Of course I do miss him but not terribly. We've been away from eachother for much longer so it doesn't bother me. Although it would be nice to hear from him every now and then just to know what he's been up to. Who knows, maybe this holiday season will grant me a miracle? No expectations however.

Isn't it rather odd though that another guy I'm a bajillion times more compatible with just made me think of him instead? Even with the other guy's advances and debonair charm...it just doesn't affect me at all and out of the many years I've known my ex...it's always him I think back to. Always. Maybe it's a first love thing but I wouldn't know since he's been pretty much my first and only love.

At jazz band practice today we listened to these two other students who were practicing for our upcoming Christmas assembly. It was lovely, the girl is an excellent singer and the piano accompaniment was awesome. I must admit for a moment that I had a twinge of envy, she's a beautiful person (just not always apparent on the inside). I might consider doing something myself however I don't think I want to put myself out there when there's already so much talent going around. I feel too intimidated.

By the way...
It snowed today! Dreaming of a white Christmas may not just be a dream afterall.

I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED FOR THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!!!!!! hdjkahsdjkhjska. It's my absolute favourite time of the year. Snow, hot cocoa, skating/skiing, giving gifts, baking Christmas treats, singing Christmas carols, building snow forts, curling up by the fireplace and reading a book, calling your relatives, making Chirstmas cards, decorating the tree, being extra cheerful, spreading joy and all the love. love love love love love love love love love love love. oh my gosh. it's not even december yet and im soooo hyped. i'm already planning out what i want to give to everyone for christmas!

You know that scene where Buzz Lightyear tries to fly because he truly believes that he can? That's me, right at the moment where I reached halfway but suddenly became disillusioned and now I'm free falling but once I land I'll only roll off the stairs in descent even more.

Being the extreme superstitious person that I am, of course I was scared nights after watching Paranormal Activity. I'd look at my door in the middle of the night expecting it to open, anticipate whispers in my ear, and dread if my bedsheets were to move. But now I think the only thing that's keeping me awake are my own personal demons.

I'm sorry.

my ideal man:

1. will be a man
2. be as swift as the coursing river
3. have the force of a great typhoon
4. have all the strength of a raging fire
5. be mysterious as the dark side of the moon

• you see...it's not that i dont care, you're not just no worth it.
• someday we're going to grow up and fly a kite together, until then i'll wait until you're not afraid.
• i honestly dont give a shit about you
• why do we still talk? i don't give a decimal of a mind about you either
• so much for that but then again i guess its because you couldn't get to the pants
• you're so fly
• douchebag.
• bitchwhore.
• tramp.
• what the friggg.
• please shut up, ive had enough of your "greatness"
• stop wearing those you freak
• ARGGGHHH WHYYYY
• lol dude. you've gotta be kidding me rite
• meh.
• getting to know you.
• pretty fcuking mature.
• let's do it.
• may i?
• got it going on. not.
• we should talk more.
• hey bby, lets hook up sometime.
• ugghh its your face again.
• let's talk plants.
• gay. gay. gayyy.
• i wish i were you.
• seriously. you need to get a hold of yourself.
• whoaaa, jerk-alerk.
• miss you. not really.
• hi bby. <3

Don't even ask, srsly.

I just really want to feel safe and homefree. Whenever my cellphone rings to the tune of that dreaded Harry Potter ringtone my heart palpitates with apprehension (that work is calling). I love work and the people people I work with but I'm so afraid that I'm going to do something wrong that my stomach churns just thinking about it. It's not just work either, I'm afraid that I'm going to mess up at school and that I'm not going to get the grades that I need for university. I know I'm smart but my willpower if seriously lacking, I'm easily dissauded from the things I know I should be working on but I am trying to work on that now but then unexpected things pop-up and I find myself to burned out to do shit. It's kind of surreal as to how unaffected I feel by losing someone who was once my best friend, but I've lost bestfriends before and made up with them, this time however I don't plan on getting back together with this individual. Some might say that it is affecting me since I'm talking about it however to be honest I was just reminded of it today. Most of the time I completely forget about this individual's existence until someone else brings him up or in the once in a blue moon occurence that I pass by him in a hallway or stairwell. The worst however are the times when I just forget about him completely and then I have a nightmare about him, maybe I think about it subconciously...since I am honestly completely unaware and seemingly unaffected or (although this is slightly more self-centered and not as plausible) that he's the one that thinks of me and all that negative energy coming from his thoughts are channeled into my dreams that become nightmares. The most recent one was sometime this past week where I was on the public bus with some friends and he was there but then my friends got off and it was just him and I left with one other friend on the otherside of the bus. He was being his jackass self again but this time he was also trying to get me to sit beside him, it was the creepiest and most awkward thing ever, like... you just know that person is bad news and you -have- to get away. So I sat beside my other friend on the otherside of the bus where the dream ends with the individual just gazing vehemently at your back. It just makes you want to shudder with disgust.

Lately I've been really taken aback by how fast life is going, I don't want to grow up (albeit we all know it's inevitable). There's just so many responsibilities and tasks at hand that you have to accomplish. My future seems so unclear even though I think I know what I want to do. People say that you should get a job you love and not so you'll please your family and friends but it's kinda what I live for. Live for yourself, they say, but I don't want to live if it's not for others. I'm just not like that, it makes me feel empty. Making others happy is the thing I want the most because it makes me happy too. If I didn't have to worry about that, I'd probably go ahead and just become a flight stewardess so I can travel the world and meet exciting new people. With my recent summer voyages I discovered that the coolest people you could ever meet were at the airport terminals, they're just so wordly and exotic and airports can be huuggee. There's just so much love (apart from the security) in an airport, you see families tearfully waving eachother off, lovers and old friends being reunited, it's a wonderful thing to see and simply experience like a breath of fresh air. I'm worried about my family though, those piranhas of business partners are really just stressing my parents out a lot. I'm glad my mum and dad pulled out of the company even though their partners are still resentful of that. They're terribly unrelenting people who'll stop at nothing but to make profit. Then there's also my family up in the Phils suffering from the flood along with cousin X drama. Her ex-boyfriend who's the father of her second child wants to borrow the kid for benefits but in reality doesn't have custody.

I've been talking to my guy friend more, he's cool and all but he's kind of the type of guy that you really can't take seriously since he's just the person you joke around with and that's it. I mean, he cares obviously, but deep conversations just seem wrong with a guy like him. I've also noticed how I miss my other guy friend more and more even though we talk daily, he just seems to grow farther away while he's just right there. I feel guilty for lying behind his back for talking to her again but tbh, she doesn't affect me at all anymore and I don't think I even give a shit about her life at this rate but her life's sucks balls too much to just leave her be a second time. I just feel like I'm losing all the people who really matter to me the most even though they haven't really gone away. Except for the couple I've lost under effed up circumstances...like mon amour secret (who isn't actually my lover, rofl). According to the guy friend who's been bffs with him for eight years says that he hasn't been on a lot (which I've noticed since we haven't spoken in a very long time since his vacation trip). Guy friend is worried that he's having big issues right now since he's acting a little odd as if he were hiding systems. Normally guy friend always has a clue but this time there's nothing. It's not so much the fact that we haven't talked in ages that's bothering me, it's not knowing what's wrong and that his ultimate best friend is in the dark about it as well. Something just seems amiss. and what the frigg is with the italics? I can't turn it off, lame.

I've burnt myself enough with enough roll-ups and lab reports, I constantly fear failure now...I've hit so many lows that I wish all I had to do was just eat leaves, hide myself in a chrysalis of throw pillows and down comforters. When a caterpillar sees a butterfly, does it know? No, because when a butterfly sees a caterpillar it doesn't tell. We don't have a clue was the script is about and no amount of directors will make the plotline any clearer. I'm at my most vulnerable and yet no amount of asinine conjectures in convincing myself that things will get better if I wait it out can convince me. I'm duking it out with faith because I'm starting to really push my limits and not just a physical and/or mental state...I'm having a go with luck and the scariest thing is if I'm digging only a deeper hole in the submerged pinnacle of impending catastrophe I'm getting myself into. I'm so unsure and scared shitless about what my future is going to be like and seeing everyone starting to realize their capabilities and improving themselves for the days ahead while I'm deteriorating into a blob of sickly mutations is a completely bring down. I'm not as intelligent as I used to be anymore, just more resourceful with an ass pack of luck and that's intermittently frightful when you think that things are going well but just drop right back down. I'm filled to the upper rim with anxiety and I rue the day when my abuse of good luck with finally wear out and then I'll just be left an empty carcass with dry bones needing a good staplin'.

i'm so unsure of myself nowadays, I can't trust myself to think for myself...even in schoolwork. I'm just so lost and I haven't the slightest idea why this is happening. I have always been independent to the point where I've isolated myself from everyone but I've never needed the world more than I do now. I need help badly but I don't where I need to start, there's just so much wrong...so many problems tied to tiny almost insignificant aspect of my psychological well-being that they've become a bigger problem. But I guess I just have to face the consequences of being weak. I'll hold my head up high and just keep pushing until I break from the pressure or (best possible scenario) I break my problems.

those alzeihemer's and elderly abuse commercials make me want to cry. which is odd when you're as desensitized as I am but those are hormones for you. I had my intake of serotonin but it tasted too starchy (there's spartan apples for you).