my ideal man:

1. will be a man
2. be as swift as the coursing river
3. have the force of a great typhoon
4. have all the strength of a raging fire
5. be mysterious as the dark side of the moon

• you see...it's not that i dont care, you're not just no worth it.
• someday we're going to grow up and fly a kite together, until then i'll wait until you're not afraid.
• i honestly dont give a shit about you
• why do we still talk? i don't give a decimal of a mind about you either
• so much for that but then again i guess its because you couldn't get to the pants
• you're so fly
• douchebag.
• bitchwhore.
• tramp.
• what the friggg.
• please shut up, ive had enough of your "greatness"
• stop wearing those you freak
• ARGGGHHH WHYYYY
• lol dude. you've gotta be kidding me rite
• meh.
• getting to know you.
• pretty fcuking mature.
• let's do it.
• may i?
• got it going on. not.
• we should talk more.
• hey bby, lets hook up sometime.
• ugghh its your face again.
• let's talk plants.
• gay. gay. gayyy.
• i wish i were you.
• seriously. you need to get a hold of yourself.
• whoaaa, jerk-alerk.
• miss you. not really.
• hi bby. <3

Don't even ask, srsly.

I just really want to feel safe and homefree. Whenever my cellphone rings to the tune of that dreaded Harry Potter ringtone my heart palpitates with apprehension (that work is calling). I love work and the people people I work with but I'm so afraid that I'm going to do something wrong that my stomach churns just thinking about it. It's not just work either, I'm afraid that I'm going to mess up at school and that I'm not going to get the grades that I need for university. I know I'm smart but my willpower if seriously lacking, I'm easily dissauded from the things I know I should be working on but I am trying to work on that now but then unexpected things pop-up and I find myself to burned out to do shit. It's kind of surreal as to how unaffected I feel by losing someone who was once my best friend, but I've lost bestfriends before and made up with them, this time however I don't plan on getting back together with this individual. Some might say that it is affecting me since I'm talking about it however to be honest I was just reminded of it today. Most of the time I completely forget about this individual's existence until someone else brings him up or in the once in a blue moon occurence that I pass by him in a hallway or stairwell. The worst however are the times when I just forget about him completely and then I have a nightmare about him, maybe I think about it subconciously...since I am honestly completely unaware and seemingly unaffected or (although this is slightly more self-centered and not as plausible) that he's the one that thinks of me and all that negative energy coming from his thoughts are channeled into my dreams that become nightmares. The most recent one was sometime this past week where I was on the public bus with some friends and he was there but then my friends got off and it was just him and I left with one other friend on the otherside of the bus. He was being his jackass self again but this time he was also trying to get me to sit beside him, it was the creepiest and most awkward thing ever, like... you just know that person is bad news and you -have- to get away. So I sat beside my other friend on the otherside of the bus where the dream ends with the individual just gazing vehemently at your back. It just makes you want to shudder with disgust.

Lately I've been really taken aback by how fast life is going, I don't want to grow up (albeit we all know it's inevitable). There's just so many responsibilities and tasks at hand that you have to accomplish. My future seems so unclear even though I think I know what I want to do. People say that you should get a job you love and not so you'll please your family and friends but it's kinda what I live for. Live for yourself, they say, but I don't want to live if it's not for others. I'm just not like that, it makes me feel empty. Making others happy is the thing I want the most because it makes me happy too. If I didn't have to worry about that, I'd probably go ahead and just become a flight stewardess so I can travel the world and meet exciting new people. With my recent summer voyages I discovered that the coolest people you could ever meet were at the airport terminals, they're just so wordly and exotic and airports can be huuggee. There's just so much love (apart from the security) in an airport, you see families tearfully waving eachother off, lovers and old friends being reunited, it's a wonderful thing to see and simply experience like a breath of fresh air. I'm worried about my family though, those piranhas of business partners are really just stressing my parents out a lot. I'm glad my mum and dad pulled out of the company even though their partners are still resentful of that. They're terribly unrelenting people who'll stop at nothing but to make profit. Then there's also my family up in the Phils suffering from the flood along with cousin X drama. Her ex-boyfriend who's the father of her second child wants to borrow the kid for benefits but in reality doesn't have custody.

I've been talking to my guy friend more, he's cool and all but he's kind of the type of guy that you really can't take seriously since he's just the person you joke around with and that's it. I mean, he cares obviously, but deep conversations just seem wrong with a guy like him. I've also noticed how I miss my other guy friend more and more even though we talk daily, he just seems to grow farther away while he's just right there. I feel guilty for lying behind his back for talking to her again but tbh, she doesn't affect me at all anymore and I don't think I even give a shit about her life at this rate but her life's sucks balls too much to just leave her be a second time. I just feel like I'm losing all the people who really matter to me the most even though they haven't really gone away. Except for the couple I've lost under effed up circumstances...like mon amour secret (who isn't actually my lover, rofl). According to the guy friend who's been bffs with him for eight years says that he hasn't been on a lot (which I've noticed since we haven't spoken in a very long time since his vacation trip). Guy friend is worried that he's having big issues right now since he's acting a little odd as if he were hiding systems. Normally guy friend always has a clue but this time there's nothing. It's not so much the fact that we haven't talked in ages that's bothering me, it's not knowing what's wrong and that his ultimate best friend is in the dark about it as well. Something just seems amiss. and what the frigg is with the italics? I can't turn it off, lame.

I've burnt myself enough with enough roll-ups and lab reports, I constantly fear failure now...I've hit so many lows that I wish all I had to do was just eat leaves, hide myself in a chrysalis of throw pillows and down comforters. When a caterpillar sees a butterfly, does it know? No, because when a butterfly sees a caterpillar it doesn't tell. We don't have a clue was the script is about and no amount of directors will make the plotline any clearer. I'm at my most vulnerable and yet no amount of asinine conjectures in convincing myself that things will get better if I wait it out can convince me. I'm duking it out with faith because I'm starting to really push my limits and not just a physical and/or mental state...I'm having a go with luck and the scariest thing is if I'm digging only a deeper hole in the submerged pinnacle of impending catastrophe I'm getting myself into. I'm so unsure and scared shitless about what my future is going to be like and seeing everyone starting to realize their capabilities and improving themselves for the days ahead while I'm deteriorating into a blob of sickly mutations is a completely bring down. I'm not as intelligent as I used to be anymore, just more resourceful with an ass pack of luck and that's intermittently frightful when you think that things are going well but just drop right back down. I'm filled to the upper rim with anxiety and I rue the day when my abuse of good luck with finally wear out and then I'll just be left an empty carcass with dry bones needing a good staplin'.

i'm so unsure of myself nowadays, I can't trust myself to think for myself...even in schoolwork. I'm just so lost and I haven't the slightest idea why this is happening. I have always been independent to the point where I've isolated myself from everyone but I've never needed the world more than I do now. I need help badly but I don't where I need to start, there's just so much wrong...so many problems tied to tiny almost insignificant aspect of my psychological well-being that they've become a bigger problem. But I guess I just have to face the consequences of being weak. I'll hold my head up high and just keep pushing until I break from the pressure or (best possible scenario) I break my problems.

those alzeihemer's and elderly abuse commercials make me want to cry. which is odd when you're as desensitized as I am but those are hormones for you. I had my intake of serotonin but it tasted too starchy (there's spartan apples for you).

Too tired to wait for you so I'm going to tuck myself in and sleep early. Earlier than I have in at least a year or two. I wish you'd drop a line, but then I wouldn't miss you as much and maybe that's why I'm just waiting. Waiting for it all the become a reality, where you'd come home and I'll ask: "let's go sledding" and you'll say nothing and walk away...only to come back to throw a snowball at my face and run around screaming at the top of your lungs: "you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!" We'll fall over in exasperation and make snow angels.

And when the angels take me from this world that I was born in I'll say, ''None of you look half as good as my girlfriend in the morning.''

 Stars had it right, I want to be sand on the beach by the sea. Just one little grain amongst the rest, lost in an enchanting watery universe. For the lulz, might I also add that I wish Tom Felton would walk across that beach.

Uh no, I'd be a fucking bitch about it and be like "You have spinach in your teeth, you might want to get that checked out kthx."

I did it again. Tried to get close to someone but feared that I just tore it up. It always happens, I try to get close, I freak out and then it's gone. I must put a lot of people through an aggravating time when they try to be friends with me. It's too close for comfort. I say I want to get close but in the end I think I'm just fooling myself into tthat things are getting better and that I'm adjusting. I'm really not. On the outside I'm getting there, but on the inside it's still the same and I don't know if I want that to change or not. I've lost too many bits and pieces of me to really know. I'm like a virus wandering around aimlessly, looking for that glycolipid to a rare cell. I just keep bumping into people, trying to get in, but in the end they don't feel right and I float away disappointed. I got two fortunes today: "Romance will blossom" and "Your perserverance will rewarded soon." They made me sad. No amount of MLIAS, Draco Malfoy and Stars albums will help me now, they're just a distraction. I'm exhausted, everything just seems fallacious...superficial even. While I'm seeking for something profound and I find myself engaging in self-destruction. Maybe he was right, maybe I am an island, an isolated island in the middle of nowhere that people only come across when they get lost but then leave when they're all set to go. Just a really messed up sorry piece of crap land.

For the next thing someone asks me why I'm an asset to the team or what my strengths are I'm going to say: I can count by twos and tie my shoes, say the alphabet backwards and do a funny little jig.

My family is falling apart. I feel like a total loner. I can't deal with seeing them like the way there are now. I find myself drowing out their voices to hard core techno, so loud that my ears feel like they'll bleed soon enough. I feel like I'm the parent...being the only sane and logical one around except that reserved composure is now broken and my resolve needs a lift. I can't tell anybody and my head is reeling from the blaring sounds coming from headphones but it's the only thing that gives me some semblance of control. I wish I had my room again, but with the painting and renovating still not complete that's not going to happen. I want to shut myself out for just a few moments then busy myself with people who's company I enjoy. I can't stay in this type of environment...not now. Not when I've just started to come out of isolation, not now when I finally started to be a bit more open and social. Please, not now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQWuWfxMXA0&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5S0dkLZoTg&feature=related

I hate people who think they can get away with being a bitch just because they claim that they do it out of caring for you. Uh, no. You complacent little snakes, no. You have absolutely no right to tell someone they're a fuck up when they're going through a hard time. People change, it's evitable and I'm at the prime age for change and it'll continue to be that way with each passing stage. I don't want to change for the likes of other people. Don't hate because you don't like it or you no longer fit into someone else's standards. I don't want to hear what you think is wrong about me, I'll get to that myself at my own pace because that's how I roll. You have to respect that I need the space to develop on my own accords at my own time. Don't push me, or I'll push back and walk away. It's understandable if you blew up all over my face out of worry but get a grip here. It was wrong on your account, I've explained myself numerous times when you asked that I have it under control and I'm fixing it. And yet once I explain myself it suddenly becomes free range pickings? It's regrettable that you feel out of touch with me. Understand that I'm a very private person and I don't want to feel even more shitty beneath your viewing glass. If I really need someone else, I'll come to you but please don't expect me to come over for every little thing with all the insignificant details. Am I in the wrong with this though? I hope not. But the way I see it that friends don't have to always need to exchange FMLs, what's wrong with just sharing all the happy things? I'm unaware of my effects on people, everyone is. Really though, if it's conversation that you want...lead it yourself instead of telling me to start one up myself out of passion. that's messed, like friggg. "you've become boring?" it's not like you provide a lot yourself, but do you see me telling you that? i'm tired and i really don't desire dealing with you if you're just going to be like that. you say you don't expect a big change right away, but guess what? i have been changing, i've been trying to speed up the process just for you because you're a friend and i do indeed worry about what's become of our companionship. however your attitude dictates the contrary, it's apparent that you're expecting this immensely palpable outward change. there are many other things i could say and the most disheartening thing is your failure to be aware of such transparency. I know I haven't been perfect, I know I can get snobby and cruel sometimes but if you can't see past that you're definitely blind. You're convinced that the problem is me but that's not the entire issue. I ignored the first two times because I was hoping that my words would reach across to you along with the fact that I had been trying to change while hoping you would as well. As they say the third time's the charm, you've had your chances and what you have displayed is that you're even more sure of yourself now than ever. I've had enough, I'm doing much better now. It's sad that it had to end this way but even best friends can go completely opposite directions. Every person has to let go one day, I have and I'm much more content. So please leave me be, especially if you're going to be "well, I guess I'm sorry for the way I left things but I didn't see any other way." you know what man? it could have gone so many other ways and you -guess-? You're either sorry or not, and you're definitely not. gtfo my case. If I can move on, so can you (especially you who prides his/herself in all these relationships you supposedly have because you know about human relations more than I...because you're more intelligent and better at everything than me in every possible way imaginable). thanks man, thanks a lot.